Wednesday, May 27, 2009

Why do I do this to myself?

Yesterday, D. had an awards ceremony at school. The information sheet said that his class was performing at 6, and that I should have him in his classroom no later than 5:40.

I took D. out of therapy a few minutes early so that we could be at the school on time. We arrived, and discovered a great throng of people crowded into the lobby. No one was allowed back to the classrooms yet, although it was 5:40, or even a few minutes later.

Now, remember, this is a school of preschoolers and kindergarteners, and there are several PPCD classes. So you have kids with issues, as well as small children, none of whom really do well in the midst of chaos and crowds.

So, they eventually called us back to our classrooms, where the kids were going to rehearse their song before adjourning to the stage to perform for the whole audience.

Now, I get that I set these ridiculously high expectations. I have dreams of coming to see my child sing a song and having him actually make some effort to participate. I know that D. is delayed, but I guess I figured that in a class full of children with delays, he might be, oh, you know, able to keep up.

I have video of D. in the classroom and on the stage, not participating AT ALL. Sitting, slack-jawed, seemingly unaware of his surroundings. Worse, on stage, one of the classroom aides is behind him, holding his arms to do the motions of the song that he is not even attempting to sing, motions that he is making no effort to do, and he looks... well, more disabled than I have ever seen my son look.

I guess what I'm wondering is: how much do I suck that I can't just GET IT ALREADY and MOVE THE HELL ON. Is there a point at which I will stop sobbing on the way home from these events? When I will just look at my son and beam with pride, rather than wanting to crawl into my closet and cry?

Is it really so much to ask that I get ONE school performance out of this kid? Seriously, what's wrong with me?


DESJ and Company said...

First of all, many "normal" kids do the exact same thing. They sit like they have no idea what the heck is going on, don't sing, etc etc etc.

But now onto my experience. Dovi's kindergarten performance? He knew the hand motions perfectly. He attempted to sing. IN THE PRACTICES.
When it was time for the real performance? He SCREAMED AND CRIED and refused to go n the stage. They dragged him up but he only lasted about 30 seconds-flopping out of his chair, crying, etc.

Fast forward to 3rd grade. Angel. Adorable. Perfect performance.

It's scary up there in front of a huge crowd!. It takes time.

He'll get there, I promise.

Anonymous said...

Yeah, I second DESJ - who wants to be in a school performance anyway?
I was perfectly neurotypical, and I still failed those miserably all the way through elementary.
Cut yourself some slack. D's a trooper!

moplans said...

I am just so glad that I can now plan to avoid these events altogether. Thank you WG.
I do not need more crying in my life.
Well I've got a developmental assessment monday so I guess I'm not that smart.

Ashley's Mom said...

Check out this post of mine, several years old, of my daughter's first stage experience. Then fast forward to now - my daughter was sent to the principal's office for signing that her teacher was a b*tch. I don't think I have ever loved her more than at that moment :)

Never ever give up on your dreams for your child.

Anonymous said...

Nothing's "wrong" with you.

We all do it. (hugs)

Meredith said...

So my son is 4 and he pretty much did the same thing at their school performance back in December and he is, what is the term? Non-challenged? Whatever the term, he basically had to be held and swayed by his teacher while all the other kids sang and did their dance moves and he screamed and cried the whole time.