Tuesday, December 02, 2008

The News.

It occurs to me that it might not be a good idea to encourage the universe to "bring it on."

Lately, I have been censoring myself here. Starting a story, and then stopping, because all the stories are predicated on a very small but important piece of information that I have not shared.

I am pregnant.

It seems simple, innocuous enough. But it isn't.

When I realized that the possibility was there, I ran out and bought a three-pack of HPTs. Why a three-pack? Because I have no willpower, and if they are in the house, I have to pee on them. So the day after I bought them, I took one.


And instead of the rush of regret, I thought, I am OK with this. This is easier.

And then a few days went by, and it was Saturday night, and I took another one. And it was negative, and I felt that same sense of OK, and even, truth be told, a bit of relief. And then the second line started showing.

I think my reaction was along the lines of Oh, shit!

So, of course, I immediately took the third test, the bonus test in the package, which was the new fangled digital test. No ambivalence -- after about .02 nanoseconds, Pregnant flashed on the screen.

Holy crap, I whispered. And I walked around the house, returning to stare at the test every thirty-seven seconds while I waited for Mr. WG to arrive.

So, as it turns out, going off birth control and debating what kind of birth control you want to be on is not actually a form of birth control in and of itself.

So I am pregnant. But it is not easy or simple.

I stopped taking the Lexapro I had just restarted, and I started sobbing my way through the days. Mr. WG scheduled an appointment with the geneticist. I agonized over what my parents would say.

The geneticist told us that we had a 1% chance of having another child with Sotos. 1% may not seem like a lot, but it is an enormous risk, genetically. My mental state continued to deteriorate. My OB's office said they could fit me in in two weeks. I cried a lot.

I found out that my insurance company doesn't cover midwives in network. I made phone calls. I calculated costs.

I found a midwife I can sort of afford. I made an appointment with her, and one with her back-up doctor instead of my OB. I went to the appointment. I saw a little gestational sac and had blood drawn. I was told to go back on the Lexapro and stop sobbing myself to sleep. And then, on the way home, Mr. WG told me that my parents had called from the airport in Israel, about to fly home. They asked where I was. Mr. WG told them I was at the doctor. "Why?" they asked. "I can't tell you," he said.

The next morning, as their plane touched down, my father called me. "What's going on?" he said.

"Well, we're having a baby," I said, as brightly as I could.

"Oh, God," he said.

"That's not really the appropriate response," I said.

"I know," he said, "but I'm really not that happy about it. I really don't think it's a good idea." The conversation got worse from there. He told me that I'm already short-changing Baby J. and my other kids, and that will only get worse. And if this baby has special needs, well, then the rest of my kids will really lose out.

Mr. WG came home from morning carpool to find me sobbing on the sofa. I spent the rest of the day either crying or about to cry, and I ended the day exhausted beyond words.

The next day was the day we started the fun stomach virus game, which also marked the demise of my appetite, which has yet to recover. According to some estimates, I am about 8 weeks now, and I have lost a pound or two. And I know, many women lose weight in the first trimester, but let me assure you that I am not one of them. In my previous pregnancies, I gained approximately 7 pounds between the time I peed on the stick and the time the second line showed up.

I am wearing regular clothes, because they fit me. I am wearing my rings. This is, frankly, bizarre.

I guess it's stress, which is not getting better any time soon.

On Friday, I have an ultrasound scheduled to calculate my due date more accurately -- my dates have been off in two pregnancies. So maybe I'm simply earlier than I think I am. Based on what we find out, we'll schedule a CVS. Because we need to know.

But why do tests if you're not going to do anything, right? Yeah, except that it's not at all clear that we're not going to do anything.

And I guess that statement right there is the root of why I feel the way I feel right now. If you had told me that I would be capable of making that statement -- why, I probably would have been feeling the horror I imagine some of you are feeling right now.

But, as my husband has told me repeatedly, no one walks in our shoes. No one lives in our house, day in, day out. No one knows what we know, how much our hearts can bear, and the point at which they simply… cannot.


Anonymous said...

You poor dear! B'shaa tovah!

I completely understand about having a different mindset about a later pregnancy than about a first pregnancy. When you have kids, you worry about how the choices you make affect not only you, but also the kids you already have.

Here's hoping for the most beautiful CVS results ever!

P.S. For future birth control, I heartily recommend the IUD. No hormones, no side affects, no worries.

DESJ and Company said...

OK leaving work. just read. will comment more later.

bshaah tovah.

Teej said...

Your CVS is going to be fine. But if you draw the one short straw out of 100, I will repeat your last paragraph to you as many times as you want me to, because it's true.

It's going to be fine.

Next time, when your dad says such things, please hang up the phone immediately.

Love you.

Anonymous said...

Good luck to you.

lisa said...

No horror here. Just total understanding and I'm so sorry you are going through this stress. And that was a really jerky thing for your father to do to you.

Congratulations, and I'm hoping for the absolute best for you.

Jess said...

I can't even begin to imagine what you're going through, but you're in my thoughts.

Courtnie said...

Hello! I came across your blog from Five minutes for special needs moms.

I have a child with Cystic Fibrosis. It's a genetic disease which my DH and I carry the gene for.

I am 7 weeks pregnant with our second child. I feel like we are both somewhat in the same boat. We did plan this child. I guess you could say we decided to play Russian Roulette. We are willing to accept this. I am reading up on Soto's I have never heard of it before but I am praying that this child you carry doesn't have it.

Just remember. It's only a 1% chance. We have a whopping 25% chance of this child having it. It's nervewracking. It's scary. It's causing anxiety. It will all work out though. I hope....

Anyways, thanks for blogging. Feel free to stop by my blog sometime.

ella said...

B'sha'ah tovah. Whatever happens, may it happen at the best possible hour. Sending good thoughts and wishes your way...

Dramalish said...

Best of luck, dear WG.
I am happy for you, because you are a great mom, and your family is beautiful.

It will be ok.

Dramalish said...

God bless you.
I just read your comment on my blog, and you are a wonderful friend for thinking so tenderly of me at a time when you are going through a world of emotions yourself.

I'm behind you all the way, WG. And I truly mean it when I say I am happy for you. This will rock.

Anonymous said...

Your husband is right. That's the hardest thing for us to remember any time we're faced with decisions; any time we're faced with our inability to understand why we can't do it like other parents/families...at least from my perspective.

Whatever your outcome, whatever your decision, I wish you and your family only the best. 1% is small. 1% is huge.

Take it one day at a time, one step at a time. Everything will work out the way it's supposed to.

The Gwench said...

WG, no matter what you and Mr. WG decide to do, if anything, it has to be right for you and your family. I wish you all the strength and peace you deserve. And as for your father, well, allow him to meet Mr. Click when he has anything less than supportive to say. He'll get over it or he won't. I'll keep you in my prayers.

Anonymous said...

You do what you need to do. I think you are brave, no matter what your decision. Maggie

Jenny said...

You have been on my heart for the last week and I have been praying for you without really even knowing why. Amazing how God works like that! I will continue to pray (more specifically now) for you and your family.

catharyn said...

I just came across your blog tonight. I'm really enjoying your writing style.
I had to comment because no matter what the results are from your upcoming CVS you'll be a great mom!


Ashley's Mom said...

WG, you are a strong and intelligent mother. Your decisions are yours and your husband's alone. Don't listen to anyone who tells you otherwise. I know you will do what is right for your family - you always have.


Lisa b said...

WG I think you judge yourself more harshly than anyone else would and the other commenters here support my theory.
No one should ever have to make these decisions. They are difficult enough without feeling that anyone would judge you. I am just heartbroken you have to endure this stress.

dee said...

First off, dear friend, congratulations to you and Mr. WG on this blessing.

I have no doubt that you will do whatever is best for your family, and no one will be shortchanged regardless of whatever outcome happens. Your family is your sanctuary, your life, your love, as you well know. And no, no one can or should judge you, your choices, your lives, nothing.

No offense, but your father should keep his opinions to himself. That kind of negativity is the last thing you need, now or ever.

You're a hell of a good mom WG, I've said it before and I'll say it again. You do the very best that you can, and that's all any child and spouse can hope for.

Wishing you the best on this journey. My money's on a lovely CVS test result for you :-)

Shosh said...

Bsha'ah tova! Hoping the CVS results are good. And if they're not, you'll do what you need to do. Your choice, your life. NO one else can judge.

Meredith said...

I am late to check in but let me offer a hearty congratulations! I understand the fear, as I had a bad CVS and had to make a choice myself, but don't overlook the fact that you obviously are a successful parent to a wide array of kids already! I will keep you in my thoughts.