Friday, December 05, 2008

Judgment Day

When I posted on Tuesday, I felt so alone. But as I went through the rest of my day, my phone buzzed at me constantly, showing me each new comment as it appeared, and I was overwhelmed.

I kept waiting for the judgment, the virtual scorn. And I found only love and support.

Lisa b wrote,

"I think you judge yourself more harshly than anyone else would and the other commenters here support my theory."


And that's true -- not only do I judge myself, but I consistently see judgement where there is none. We take D. to shul every week, and Mr. WG and I are always worried that his wandering will disturb others. But no one else even notices. Those who do just high-five him or shake his hand as he passes by. And I know this, logically, in my brain, and still I think, "Is he bothering them? He's bothering them, isn't he?"

So.

Thank you, all of you. You have made me feel much less alone. And much more loved.

Ultrasound later today for dates. I'll try to update before Shabbat, but realistically, I don't know if I'll have a chance.

3 comments:

lisa said...

I'm so glad you got nothing but support, and can't wait to hear about the u/s.

Lisa b said...

glad I made you feel better.

If you get any scorn send them my way and I will kick their ass 'k.

DESJ and Company said...

Hi dear...just realized I never commented all the thoughts that were rattling around in my head.

Firstly, what your father did. is. not. fair. It's not like you asked him BEFORE you got pg if he thought another kid was a good idea. After the fact? Support. Care. Empathy. So I'd ask him to think a little bit next time before he says anything like that to you.

And on to the big elephant in the room. We walk in big shoes, my dear. The life of a family with a disabled child? It cannot be conceived of by someone who does not have a child with special needs. And I cannot imagine your life, and you cannot imagine mine. Therefore, who am I, or who is anyone, to make judgements as to how you need to live your life. I can not imagine having another child with FD. I cannot imagine bringing another child into this world who will suffer every day, day in and day out, like Dovi does. Does that negate or invalidate the love and complete devotion that I have for Dovi? Not in a million years.

Stay strong and keep us posted.