Tuesday, May 29, 2007

Proceeding As Per Usual

(I don’t even know if that title makes any sense. It just sounds official and stuff.)

So, first off, clarifications:

1. I do NOT actually have a new job. The “boss” is D. Apparently, I need to work on making my humor actually, you know, HUMOROUS and not so deadpan. Or, I just need to write more clearly.

2. I blog “anonymously” so that my parents, siblings, and random acquaintances don’t Google my name and end up here. Anon, I realize that you most likely had my best interests at heart with your comment, but anyone who really needs to get in touch with me is fairly able to find me. Figuring out that I live in the fourth largest city in the U.S. doesn’t exactly mean you can knock on my door. I mean, I guess you could go around knocking on every door here and yell out things like “WG!” “D!” and “Zoloft!” and see if people react or if they just start calling the police, but I’m SURE that you have better ways to spend your time.

3. Holy crap, where have all my clients gone? I mean, I realize that if I had work I would not actually have time to do it, but it would be nice to have the choice, you know? I keep smiling and telling people, Oh, yes, I’m cutting WAY BACK on my work so I can focus on D. People, I want to focus on MONEY. As in, if I don’t freaking earn some soon, I may have to give up electricity.

4. Please read the brief paragraph below which details an exchange between WG and Heath the Overstock Representative, and answer the questions that follow.

Chat Information: Welcome to Overstock.com Customer Service, you are now chatting with Heath.

Heath: Thanks for visiting Overstock.com, this is Heath, how can I help you?

WG: Hi, I just received an order that I placed a few days ago -- I ordered a king size quit and sham set.
WG: When I opened the box, the quilt says full/queen.
WG: I have not yet even taken it out of the plastic wrap.

Heath: I am sorry to hear that, however, I'll be glad to help you with that.
Heath: To help you better, Can I have the order number or the email address registered with Overstock.com?

WG: sure -- the email addy is [email] and the order number is...
WG: [number]

Heath: Thank you for providing the order number and the email address.
Heath: For security purposes, can you please verify the name and billing address on the account?

WG: The name is [name] and the billing address is [address]. I can tell you that on the outside of the plastic wrap there is a sticker that says king size, but the large insert just inside the plastic wrap says full/queen, and like I said, I haven't taken it out of the plastic wrap yet.

(WG notices that if she moves the plastic wrap around a bit, she can see that on the insert it ALSO says KING and there is A CHECK MARK next to the word King. WG swears loudly.)

WG: You know what? I am a moron and it is the right size, so I'm sorry about that!

Heath: That's great to know.


1. Which of the following phrases MOST CLOSELY defines what Heath means when he says, “That’s great to know.”?

A. WG, You are a moron.
B. Holy God I hate my job.
C. Seriously, could people be any more stupid?
D. Is my shift over yet?

2. What the hell kind of person names a kid Heath?

A. Someone who hates children.
B. Someone who names her other children Lancelot and Nimrod.
C. No really. Did you read King Arthur and the Knights of the Round Table or the Bible? Those guys are NOT the heroes.
D. And Heath just sounds pretentious.

3. What possesses WG to email customer service before taking the time to check her purchase closely?

A. She is really, really tired.
B. And not all that bright, apparently.
C. She knew it would make good blog posting fodder.
D. Seriously, Heath?


fhgf said...

Haha! Hi, my name is Tony. I just started posting a blog and I've been browsing through some using the "Next Blog" feature. I came across yours today and thought it was great! Hopefully you'll gain your "bag of swag" soon enough! Just keep writing. Anyway, just wanted to say good job!

Ani Od Chai said...

Heath - the parents must love their chocolate covered toffee.

Anonymous said...

Oh, I hate to laugh at that... but I did. :D We all have those days, unfortunately. I'm good at having those. @_@

Anonymous said...

After a day like mine - the laughter was so needed and just fun! Thanks - you're an exceptional, clever writer! PLEASE keep writing -- I truly miss it when you keep us waiting and waiting and waiting..... ;-)

Emily said...

Oh my goodness..I hadn't read your blog in awhile, and I came to it tonight. It made me laugh outloud. Seriously. You are a fantastic blogger. It was funny. And, I think D would be a fantastic kid to meet. I truly do.