Saturday, March 03, 2007

A preface, two dreams, and an unresolved resolution.

When I was pregnant with Baby J., I kept hoping that at his birth I would feel fulfilled, complete. That I didn’t need any more than the joy I already had. That I would stop being so damn greedy already – four children should be enough to make anyone thank God daily, no?

Well, apparently, no. I remember thinking, even in those first hours, I want another one. I don’t want this to be the last.

I waited for the feeling to go away. It didn’t. And eventually, it was time to start thinking about birth control, and I made the appointment and talked to my OB and got the pills. And didn’t take them.

A few weeks ago – what can I say? Mr. WG had a birthday. So, you know, whatever. And then – not to bring you all into my bathroom or anything – but I thought, Hmmm…. Isn’t that EWCM?

I mentioned to Mr. WG that I would need to take a pregnancy test in a couple of weeks. He looked at me as if I had suggested that he slice off his arms and legs, stir fry them, and serve them to a tribe of hungry cannibals.

(Mr. WG only wants two children, as he is happy to tell anyone who asks. You will recall that we have four. He still only wants two. He’s just not sure which two anymore.)

Then I had a dream. I dreamed that I was pregnant. And in the dream, I was a little bit nervous, but not completely unhappy. As the dream progressed and the “reality” of pregnancy set in, I was decidedly anxious. But making the best of it. But aware that I was not filled with the absolute joy that marked my other pregnancies.

A few nights later, I had another dream. In that dream, I wasn’t pregnant, and there was definite relief. I don’t think anyone other than 15-year-old high school students ever tosses a negative test aside without at least a tinge of sadness, but in the second dream, relief was the overwhelming emotion.

Then I woke up, and I realized that this was the morning that I actually needed to test. So I did.

It was negative.

Relief, yes, but also a tinge of sadness. And an unwillingness to accept this as a final answer just yet.

6 comments:

Anonymous said...

Hey. You're what, 31? You're only a year older than me. I just have one kid, and I'm pretty sure I have time for TWO more. My grandmother didn't START having kids until she was 32 (there was a war going on) and she had three.

I ain't saying a person can wait until 38, but YOU, you have some time.

WriterGrrl said...

Oh, I know I have TIME to have another one -- I just have to have a husband who's on board with the idea. That's what I don't have.

Teej said...

Wow, I don't which two I'd keep either. :)

Any chance Mr. WG will warm up to the idea of five? Then you'd be a family of seven! Lucky seven! And with five kids, they can settle all disputes with a simply majority vote, which means less parenting for you guys to bother with.

I'm on your side here.

3MGA mom said...

I remember feeling the same mixed bag when I thought I was pregnant for a few days last summer.

You're also at a gender impasse with 2 boys and 2 girls, so you really need a 5th to determine who controls the house - the testosterone or the estrogen :)

Dee said...

Your post, like one of the comments you made over by me a few weeks back, got me to thinking. These past few weeks, I've already started thinking "should we try again?" I don't mean right away (though at 37, about to turn 38, my time is growing short) but perhaps sometime in another 8 or 9 months or so.

But then again, I get sucked back into the what ifs--what if we have another problem, another NICU experience, am I ready for that, can I handle that?

Plus, my OB already told me when he delivered D that if we do decide to have another child, it'll be by c-section. Major surgery, the potential of what ifs, and my age...three strikes against me so I just don't know.

And yes, A has already (!) said he wouldn't mind a third, even if it was another little girl (he loves his little ladies--and this big one too).

Time will tell for both of us, I guess, and I'll be here for you no matter what you decide. Thank you so much for your kindness these past weeks.

Dramalish said...

I want another one, too, WG, and I'm in the same boat as you are (J is not on the same page as me).

Time is all we have, my friend. And a hope that things might change.
-D.