Saturday, February 10, 2007

I Am Tired.

I am so tired. I read about the progress famous Internet babies have made, and instead of feeling joy, I am bitter. The sentences! Answering questions! I am tired of waiting for my kid to do that. I want so desperately to say, “Hey, D., how are you?” and to have him say, “I’m OK.”

When D. wants to tell me something, he’ll say, “Are you tired? Are you hungry? You want apple juice?” I know he’s repeating what he hears – I get it. I know a lot of kids with these kinds of delays have that pronoun reversal thing. But I am tired.

I am tired of thinking so much. I am tired of praying that D. will be toilet trained by August for the kids’ program on our cruise and for school. I am tired of listening to children a full year younger – a full year! – rattle off speeches that rival the Gettysburg Address and glancing at D. only to see him staring off into space with that blank look on his face.

I am so tired of constantly measuring D. up to his sisters and his brother. I am so tired of not simply loving him and accepting our lives with grace. I am so tired of sitting around feeling sorry for myself and whining and worrying and watching.

I am so tired of calling specialists and waiting and waiting and WAITING for someone to CALL ME THE HELL BACK and GIVE ME A FREAKING APPOINTMENT and TELL ME WHAT TO DO.

FIX MY KID.

5 comments:

Teej said...

For what it's worth (which, I know, is not very much), I'm listening. I've never gone through what you're going through, but it seems to me that you're handling it exceptionally well. I know, you don't want to have to handle it at all. But since that's not an option right now, all you can do is your best. And, you know, take frequent trips to the spa.

fluentsoul said...

What an awful feeling, to feel so helpless and restless. I haven't been through just what you're experiencing, but I do know that waiting for the phone calls from the specialists is just the pits. Their failure to call back NOW is a reminder that these are not emergencies for anyone but us. And that is so frustrating and lonely.

3MGA mom said...

I've had to stop reading a number of blogs lately because they left me feeling a little queasy for one reason or another. I hope you don't stop writing, and I hope it proves to be helpful to you in some way, as well as other Sotos families. And just keep calling until they call you back!

lisa said...

I understand. It's a process...getting to that place of acceptance. And I think as the child gets older, the sadness reappears, or doesn't go away, because the chasm widens. New reminders of what should be pop up. Now that I'm not worrying so much about the gross motor stuff I've got speech and cognitive worries looming...I'm sorry you're going through this. Pester the hell out of those people...

3MGA mom said...

Don't worry, my dear, I haven't quit you. I just felt the exact same way after reading the post you linked to, and I've given up on so many sites lately that I was just encouraging you to write more :)