Monday, February 19, 2007

A Heartbreaking Tale of Staggering Stupidity

INT. Early morning in the WG household. Various CHILDREN are whining. The television is turned up just a bit too loud, filling the house with the lilting tones nasally whining of Dora the Explorer. MIL sits on the sofa. WG enters from stage left.

MIL


I’ve been chasing D. around the house trying to get him dressed. He’s wearing a diaper and pants. I can’t get his shirt on him.

WG


Okay.

MIL


He’s going to be really cold without a shirt. I keep chasing him around. He doesn’t hold still.

WG


Right, got it.

(Baby J. sees WG and races to grab her leg. WG picks him up and sits down in the rocking chair.)

WG


Good morning, baby.

MIL


Maybe he’s hungry. Maybe he wants you to nurse him.

WG


Maybe.

MIL


Aren't you going to nurse him? Maybe he's hungry.

WG


He's fine.

MIL


But maybe he's hungry. Maybe he wants to nurse.

WG


He is my FOURTH BABY. I have, over the course of rearing FOUR CHILDREN figured out a thing or two. Baby J. is NOT hungry. He is KVETCHY. There is a difference.

MIL


You know, he’s constipated something fierce. Isn’t there anything we can do for him?

WG


Give him a little prune juice.

MIL


We gave him that. You know what we do for constipated babies?

WG


No.

MIL


We take a little bit of oil. And we put it on a cotton swab. And we—

WG


Not necessary.

MIL


If he could just go, he’d be happy.

WG


Yeah. So, how’s that whole toilet training thing going with D?

MIL


No, we don’t toilet train in the winter.

WG


Oh, really?

MIL


Yes. We wait until after Pesach, and then we just take all the diapers away. You just have to take the diapers away and then ask him if he needs to go potty.

WG


Right, we discussed this. You said you were going to do it.

MIL


But maybe he’ll be cold. I mean, I don’t care, I’m willing to put in the work.

WG


But you haven’t.

MIL


D! Want to go potty?

3 comments:

Grainne said...

You have put a stupid grin on my face for the day ! You have a fantastic way of writing it as it is !!

G.
Ireland

Dramalish said...

Um... how long is she staying?
-D.

Meredith said...

I think there are no cartoon voices more annoying that Dora, Boots, and especially that damned map.

Why after Passover? Does D find the potty when looking for the afikomen?